A song for an angel

Well my darling little love,

Your big brother and I officially live in the home you took your last breath in. I almost lost my mind when things went south with your "daycare provider" and I. For a million reasons quite honestly, but mainly because that meant I would no longer be welcome in the only home I feel your presence in. So, the second I heard it was available I fought my way here. Figuratively of course, but I truly did do whatever it took to get me into this home. The thought of someone random living in this house made me cringe because I know that you are here. I can only imagine how crazy I seem to the people reading this but when it comes to my feelings about you, when I know, I just know, and coming to live in this house is something I have not questioned. Sometimes it's painful, but pain follows me wherever I go regardless. I will forever wonder what actually happened on the day that you left me 19 weeks ago, and I'm still so so sorry, Bosty. I don't think you know just how fast I would have ran. I'll never understand why I couldn't save you.

I wrote you a song. Thankfully I know some pretty talented people who are willing to record it for me. I don't think I'll ever listen to anything else once it's done. I love you, fatboy, until the end of time.


You were perfect
If there's one thing I know, it's that you were worth it
Sleep deprived, through tired eyes
You never failed to make me smile
There will never be a time
That this messy heart of mine doesn't ache for you
It's bruised and it's broken
I'm torn
I've worn out all roads that I could go down
This constant sadness is now my life style
Can't I just hold you for a while?
It's not fair
Every morning I wake up to this nightmare
I thought I had the rest of my life
With you by my side
But now you're gone
I can't wait until my time comes
So I can open my eyes on the other side
And finally see your face in front of mine
I'm lost without you son
Forever young


I'll see you on the other side it's only a matter of time
Your heart lives on in mine
The tears are a constant flow
But I know you're with me love
No matter where I go


Nothing like holding you and feeling life escape you
Why'd the lord take you
Why couldn't he save you
I praised you
I would of laid down and died for you
Now all I can do is cry for you
I went with you when left
Without you, I'll never be at my best
Life's hardest test is living with this constant terror
Constant nightmares
It makes it hard to breath
Hard to sleep
Hard to think
How can it even be
That your face is something I no longer get to see
Id give the world to have you next to me
I miss you son
Forever young


I'll see you on the other side it's only a matter of time
Your heart lives on in mine
The tears are a constant flow
But I know you're with me love
No matter where I go

This pain is indescribable
Can't even function
There's just this constant lump
In my throat
Please, someone tell me this is a joke
I want you back, it's a fact
I can't really explain it
My life is tainted
This heart break is painted
on every door, on every wall
Everywhere I go
I fall a part a little more
and this big dark cloud
It follows me around
When I had you it was like I was found
After being lost in the biggest crowd
You calmed me
Never dawned on me id have to say good bye
That a time would ever come that I couldn't look into your perfect dark blue eyes
Or see that amazing smile
Id walk for miles upon miles
To the ends of earth and back
For one more second with you
With out you my life will always lack
A million moments
It's so hard to go on, but please know this
Every breath I take
I'm taking one for you
You gave me best 68 days
I'll never be the same
I love you son
Forever young

I'll see you on the other side it's only a matter of time
Your heart lives on in mine
The tears are a constant flow
But I know you're with me love
No matter where I go

Forever grateful
Forever thankful
Your nothing short of miracle
I wish you were here to fill
My heart with a million memories
Can't help but dream of all the ways
Life should be, life could be
If only you were here right next to me
Ill wait the rest of my life for my second chance with you
I'll claw my way through this hell my life has become
And when I see that light
I'm taking flight right on home
To the most precious love I've ever known
I'm forever proud
Of my second son
Forever young

I'll see you on the other side it's only a matter of time
Your heart lives on in mine
The tears are a constant flow
But I know you're with me love
No matter where I go

18 weeks

I feel like I havent wrote my son a very positive letter in awhile. I typically write him about my intense love for him, how much I miss him, and how utterly difficult and heart breaking each day is without him. While all of those things are still painfully accurate, I think it's time to write my little fat love something that involves some hope, so here goes. 

Bosty,

You were such a sweet boy. So is your big brother. I can't even begin to describe how proud I am to be called your mother. I will not ever get over losing you, ever, and there will never be a day that my heart doesn't ache for you. In all of this darkness I've been trying to find some light. While it will never compare to how truly amazing it would be to have you here, I think I may have found one. Kind of like the star that your big brother always points out and says "Mom, that one is Bosty's." Even though there is still a huge dark sky surrounding it, that little gleam of light makes it a little less scary.

I think that light may come from just how proud of you I am. It is not easy to be the mother of an angel, but I don't think anyone else out there could do you the justice that I will seek in your name for the rest of my life. I think that is why I was meant to be your mom. Because I will fight for you, I will honor you, I will go to the ends of earth and back, and I will explore the depths of hell that living with out you is so that when my time comes I can open my eyes on the other side and finally see your face in front of mine. It's extremely hard not to let this sadness swallow me whole but I am coming to find that if I ever want to feel hope again that I need to give myself some credit. I think you needed me as much as I needed you, and for that I am thankful. I don't think that children get to chose their parents. I don't think that everything happens for a reason, but I do think there are some things that are just meant to be, and one of those things is me being your mom. You being gone will never make me less of a mother and I will hold onto that fact tightly for the rest of my days. While I will always dream of what could have and should have been, what you would be like, and how absolutely beautiful you would be if you were still here, I will not let how painful losing you is make the 68 days I had with you any less of a miracle. 

I love you, Boston. Today, tomorrow, 5 years from now, a million years from now, it doesn't matter. I will always love you and will never be anything less than proud. 

"And if you were with me tonight

I'd sing to you just one more time

A song for a heart so big 

God wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in.."

An open letter to the people that are concerned about me

Having a child die is something that not even the worlds scariest horror film could depict. There are no words for it, no image for it, no description. It's really just that awful. 

The 4 month mark of Boston's death is right around the corner. Tomorrow to be exact. That terrifies me, saddens me, and breaks my heart in ways that are not fixable. My mind has not been at ease since that horrible day and in many ways it never will be. The reality that I now live in is one that makes it impossible to ever look at things the same way. 

Almost as breathtakingly difficult as watching my own precious son be pronounced dead is the pain that comes after realizing no one can comprehend it, let alone that the ones I'd lay down and die for can't go more than an hour without letting their own concerns make the clouds that darken my life almost impossible to escape. Concern is easily understandable when I am going through one of life's worst tragedies. I'm not saying I expect people not to worry about me or show concern, in fact I'd probably be insulted if you didn't, but there's no excuse for judgement and assumptions being the main road traveled down by the ones I thought would help me through this. 

So please, to the people this applies to, read with care. 

I am not okay. You're right, I'm really not. Who possibly could be 4 short but also terribly long months after watching their child die? I planned for him for 9 months. I carried him for 9 months. He was literally a part of ME for 9 months. I was the one with my face in the toilet each morning, and all other hours throughout the day vomiting for the majority of my pregnancy. I was the one with the giant basketball belly counting down the days until I got to meet his perfect self. I was the one who found the determination and love to be the best mom I could be for him when I knew it would be hard to be a single mom with a newborn and a toddler and other people advised me not to do it. I was the one having contractions. I was the one who's water broke. I was the one who gave birth to him. I was the one who got up whatever hours of the night to feed his always hungry little self. I was the one who still got up each morning no matter how late I was up with him. I was the one who fell asleep next to him each night. I was the one who held his hand while doctors tried to save him. He was my baby. MY baby. I will honor whatever roll you had in my darling fatboy's life, but do not ever expect me to do so if you cannot do the same for me. 

Do not expect me to appreciate your concern when you don't ever call, text, message, or any form of contacting me to ask me how my day is going. Please, if you're going to actively assume you have reason to be concerned the least you could do is sit down with me and let me talk. The few people that have done so with open ears and open hearts walk away knowing my true, brutally honest opinion on how I'm doing. It's been one of the most ironic realizations I've ever had to come to that the people that assume they know how I'm doing are the ones that never simply just ask. 

You're hurting my feelings. You know that giant hole I'm already in? The one I have to claw and scratch and scream my way out of because one day out of the blue my life turned into an absolute nightmare? Yep, that one. You're throwing rocks in it but yet acting like you're trying to make it easier for me to get out of. It is the saddest thing I have ever experienced besides Boston dying. 

I am concerned about you too, because it should be blatantly obvious that I do need help. I need help remembering my Bosty. I need help finding ways to forgive whatever higher power there is for letting me know this pain. I need help calming the bitter parts of myself that are surfacing. Please don't be one more thing that I have to find forgiveness for. I don't want this. I didn't ask for this to happen. I did not throw myself into this deep dark hole, tragedy did. That's what every single part of this is; a tragedy. There comes a point where it's just not possible to forgive the people making more of a mess out of that than is already present, and I will not apologize for refusing to be stuck in it. 

Sincerely,

The already heartbroken mother of an angel 

"It's agony having to hold a baby in your heart rather than your arms"

6 months

Oh my sweet, sweet, Bosty.

The hole in my heart seems to keep getting bigger. Each day that goes by without you more of myself goes right with it. I'm not sure how I'm still standing, but I am. The only light I see at the end of this tunnel is you, but you're so very far away. Years upon years away. I've never once questioned how special you are, but it really is shocking to realize how much you changed my life. I try to tell myself that I lived without you before I had you, so I should be able to do that again, shouldn't I? No. If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that the answer to that question is no. 

You are irreplaceable and I would trade the 22 years and 5 months I lived before you for the 68 days I had with you in heartbeat. You made your brother and I so happy. He was so very proud to be your big brother and very protective of you. I feel like I've failed him. On March 17th we woke up and our lives were just fine. We were so happy and thankful to be spending our mornings with you, but on that same day he went to bed knowing something was so terribly wrong. At the hospital he kept asking to see you. Over and over again he asked "Mom, I see my baby brother?" I told him no. I can't remember how I explained it to him, but I just couldn't let him see you that day. When I picked him up from his dad's for the first time I could not hold back the tears. Crying scares him in general, especially when it's me, so I felt terrible but I couldn't help it. He asked about you the whole way home. Answering his questions that day is on the list of the hardest things I've ever had to do. That list seems to keep growing. 

I want you back my little fatboy, more than a million words could ever explain. I want you back because I miss you, because I love you, because you completed me, because you were all around wonderful. I want you back because I see your big brother looking at me hoping to see the mommy he use to know, but she's not there. I'm trying for him I truly am, but there is a darkness in me. In the way that I walk, the way that I talk, the way that I do anything. There are people in this world that others gaze at for a few moments longer when they pass by. Whether it is a stranger, a friend, whoever they might be, these people have a light that shines from them and it catches the eyes of others. I feel like I am one of those people, but for the exact opposite reason. There is no light that illuminates from me, just a sad, sad, darkness. For the people that know me but hardly see me, the people that have heard of our story, family, friends, the random cashiers that compliment my tattoo and ask me how old you are, the ones who's faces fill with horror at what they just asked the second the sentence I dread saying leaves my mouth..."He was 2 months old when he passed away." 

I feel these people's stares linger because I know they see that darkness in me and wonder about the pain I feel, but none of them know just how terrible it is to be stuck in. It's like I've been fumbling around looking for a flash light, a window, anything to let some light in, but I just can't seem to find one. 

Last night your brother and I were on the way to Mckennan park. It's a couple blocks away from the hospital and right as we were driving by we saw a hot air balloon. As soon as he noticed it, he told me you were in there and wanted to come see us. It made me smile and cry at the same time. 

You would have been 6 months old today. I am trying very hard to hold myself together, but it's so difficult to do. The one thing I want I can't have, you. 

Most parents don't have to go to hell and back to be able to give their child the love they so badly want to, but I do, and I will. I have faith you're up in heaven giving me the strength to get through this nightmare. 

I will get to you some day, Bosty, and it will be the happiest moment I'll ever know. 

Happy 6 months, angel baby. Id give the world to be spending it with you.

All my love,

Mommy 

"I'll continue to write about a love I always hoped for but never had the chance to share with you."

If only heaven had a phone number...

A letter I wrote to my son yesterday

Bosty, 

Exactly 15 weeks ago I was holding your dad's hand hanging on for dear life as we proceeded into the chapel following your casket. The day that you died will always be the worst day of my life. I thought I would think the same of your visitation and funeral but 3 and a half months later I'm sitting here wishing that I could go back, even to those awful days, just so I could at least see you in front of me again. It wasn't the same you, but I could still kiss your forehead and your cheeks and hold your hand. 15 weeks ago I saw you for the very last time and I want to run back to that day and beg them like I had wanted to please wait a little longer to close that lid. After the service had started we placed a cloth over your casket. Your big brother asked me to pick him up, rested his head on my shoulder, and asked me in one of the saddest voices I've ever heard "Mom, my baby brother in there?" I squeezed him and said "Yes, sweetie, he is." 

I constantly wonder if you know how much we miss you. I am holding onto the hope that you do as tightly as I held onto your dad's hand that day. I had heard the saying "When it rains, it pours." long before you died, but only now do I understand just how true that is. 

I am so scared, fatboy. Scared that I will always feel this way, scared that I won't ever be able to give your brother a happy mom, scared of the years to come knowing that no matter what stage of grief I'm in, it will always be there. 

Grief is an ugly, heart breaking, and debilitating thing. I know it's all part of the "healing process" but I'd give anything to know you instead of this. 

Come visit me in my dreams sweet boy, please. 

All my love,

Mommy

"I'll love you forever

 I'll like you for always

 as long as I'm living 

 my baby you'll be"