In 20 days I will wake up with no choice but to recall the absolute terror that came barging into my life last St Patricks day. The thought makes me sick... Physically and mentally. I've been reflecting on the last year of my life quite often lately. I couldn't tell you much besides I'm still here breathing. Some days I feel like a complete and utter waste, mostly because the only thing I can say for sure is I've spent every single day staring at the walls missing my son, besides that I've contributed just about nothing to this world.
A year having passed makes a lot of questions arise that I haven't allowed myself to think about recently, simply because they are just too painful.
Questions like where is my baby? Why is this still real? Can I just have him back, please? Does he miss me? Does he know that I'm his mom? Does he know how much I would give to have him in my arms one more time? Does he know how much better I was prior to his death? That I use to be enjoyable to be around? That I use to be funny? Or does he see the me now, the broken one? Does his head still turn at the sound of his brothers voice? Does he know I still sleep with his blanket and sleeper every night? How many people I've told how absolutely perfect he was? How much the good memories make me smile? How much I ache for his presence? How much I wish I knew what he would look like now? How much I absolutely despise the fact that it has almost been a year since I've seen his beautiful face? How much I cry? How much I hurt? How much I hope he feels no pain being away from me, but how much I hope he knows he is still so wanted and loved here on earth? How guilty I feel for ever having left him at daycare? The ugly roads my mind has traveled down thinking of the woman that did this to us? That I cannot wait for the day I get to be with him again? That I just want him back with every single ounce of my being?
I love you, Bosty. So so much. I can't describe how much I hold onto the hope that I will get to say that to your face again someday.
All of my love,
Mommy
