5 months

Bosty, 

My little fat darling with the chubby cheeks, 

I miss you so much it hurts. 

You really do not ever leave my mind. When I wake up, when I brush my teeth, when I make your brother breakfast, when I drive somewhere, anywhere and anytime, you are right in the front of my thoughts. 

I still beg God, the universe, the stars, literally anyone I can think of to give me one more moment with you. It's hard, chubbles, it really is. 

I never once could have imagined that I would be that mom.. The one who's baby dies. Knowing this nightmare doesn't just go away scares me so much. I still think you're coming back. Even if it takes another year or a few years, I imagine you coming back to me. That's where you're supposed to be.. Right here. 

I should not have to dream of your face, your eyes, your hands, your hair, your voice, because you're supposed to be next to me. You always were before. You stayed in my arms and I'm so happy I held you as close as I did because each second of it is now the only memories I will ever have of you. Your grandma told me a month or so after you died that she would watch me staring at you like I was studying you. I really did memorize your face and I loved doing so, before I even knew it would be the most precious thing I ever held in my heart. I will never forget you, Boston, not ever. It is the most awful pain to wake each day and see your urn instead of your face but please don't ever think I love you any less.

In an urn, in front of me, in my arms, or in heaven, you will forever be the only boy that made my heart skip a beat and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you little boy, so much more than anyone could ever understand. You're the best angel, and I'm so proud you're mine. Heaven got lucky. 

Forever love, and I mean it... You are forever. 

Forever love

Dear chubbles, 

The moment I heard the worlds worst words,"I'm so sorry" come out of that nurses mouth, I became unfixable. Truly and completely doomed into having to ignore the reality I now live in to ever have the chance at enjoying anything again. It only took one sentence to change my life in the most awful way possible. People can't live after losing a child, can they? And the whole world will stop to honor the memory of that baby, right? 

No. I hate to say it, but no. It's something I really struggle to accept because you were just so amazing and I'm so terribly angry that every person on this earth doesn't know it. You made me so much better, but your death is now contradicting that because it's seems no matter how hard I try or however good my intentions, all anyone sees, including myself, is this hole I got stuck in when you left me. 

I'm sure many people have mixed emotions and find it incredibly hard to believe in mediums. I have always had a curiosity and thanks to your grandma on Monday I got to speak to one. I still have so many questions, but I know that it was you. The second she said great grandma sends her love and wanted me to know she has you in her arms I cried uncontrollably and took my first breath of relief in such a long time. Thank you, my darling fatboy. I have sat here for 4 and a half months begging to know that you are out there somewhere and I finally got that answer. Even if she had looked up my information or read through everything I've ever wrote and posted about you, she knew things that were truly impossible to have knowledge of without you telling her. It is so painful not to have you here to hold, but I am forever grateful for knowing even though I cannot not see you, you are right by my side. 

If there is anyone that ever graced this earth worth honoring, it was you and I'm going to get there, Bosty, I promise. Just like someday I'll get to you. 

I love you, I miss you, and I'll see you on the other side. 

"When I get to Heaven the first thing I'm going to do is find you, the second thing I'm going to do is never let you go again."