Forever love

Dear chubbles, 

The moment I heard the worlds worst words,"I'm so sorry" come out of that nurses mouth, I became unfixable. Truly and completely doomed into having to ignore the reality I now live in to ever have the chance at enjoying anything again. It only took one sentence to change my life in the most awful way possible. People can't live after losing a child, can they? And the whole world will stop to honor the memory of that baby, right? 

No. I hate to say it, but no. It's something I really struggle to accept because you were just so amazing and I'm so terribly angry that every person on this earth doesn't know it. You made me so much better, but your death is now contradicting that because it's seems no matter how hard I try or however good my intentions, all anyone sees, including myself, is this hole I got stuck in when you left me. 

I'm sure many people have mixed emotions and find it incredibly hard to believe in mediums. I have always had a curiosity and thanks to your grandma on Monday I got to speak to one. I still have so many questions, but I know that it was you. The second she said great grandma sends her love and wanted me to know she has you in her arms I cried uncontrollably and took my first breath of relief in such a long time. Thank you, my darling fatboy. I have sat here for 4 and a half months begging to know that you are out there somewhere and I finally got that answer. Even if she had looked up my information or read through everything I've ever wrote and posted about you, she knew things that were truly impossible to have knowledge of without you telling her. It is so painful not to have you here to hold, but I am forever grateful for knowing even though I cannot not see you, you are right by my side. 

If there is anyone that ever graced this earth worth honoring, it was you and I'm going to get there, Bosty, I promise. Just like someday I'll get to you. 

I love you, I miss you, and I'll see you on the other side. 

"When I get to Heaven the first thing I'm going to do is find you, the second thing I'm going to do is never let you go again."