In 8 days it will have been 2 years since you were taken from me. I am in a much different place than I was last year. Last year your death was still like this huge gaping wound I was trying to deal with. This year it's like it's no longer an open wound, but there's still a huge ugly scar and it reminds me everyday how much pain I've endured and marks the spot of a still very injured inside. Like if your death was really a scar that people could see they would know how treacherous the path to healing has been, and that there's no way that a full recovery is possible.
This year I am angry. Truly so very angry. I am angry that you should be two years old but instead that is how long you have been gone. I'm angry because I used to have such a clear picture of your face in my mind, but my memories of you are no longer as vivid and it really hurts to say that. Im angry because your death haunts me and has instilled such a fear in me with your brother that we don't leave the house. I'm angry because I learned that I can live without you and it fills me with guilt.
This year I am angry. Truly so very angry. I am angry that you should be two years old but instead that is how long you have been gone. I'm angry because I used to have such a clear picture of your face in my mind, but my memories of you are no longer as vivid and it really hurts to say that. Im angry because your death haunts me and has instilled such a fear in me with your brother that we don't leave the house. I'm angry because I learned that I can live without you and it fills me with guilt.
I spent the first year waiting for the world to stop, I really did. I held so tight to this notion that somehow one day everyone would just understand how I felt inside so I wouldn't have to fix myself. I was prepared to be miserable forever because a part of me felt like it proved my dedication to you. Kind of like a duty as your mother to let the pain of losing you show through in everything I do.
I'm angry that as your mother my only choices were to let your death consume me and fail your brothers in the process, or to figure out a way to live with out you when all I wanted was to live with you. I'm angry because I ache to show my devotion to you but there's simply just no way to really do that because you're not here. I'm angry because I ache to be your mother here and now and I'm angry that the 2 year anniversary is just another in the many to come and slap me in the face with how much time has gone by since I was robbed of my chance to do that.
I'm angry that as your mother my only choices were to let your death consume me and fail your brothers in the process, or to figure out a way to live with out you when all I wanted was to live with you. I'm angry because I ache to show my devotion to you but there's simply just no way to really do that because you're not here. I'm angry because I ache to be your mother here and now and I'm angry that the 2 year anniversary is just another in the many to come and slap me in the face with how much time has gone by since I was robbed of my chance to do that.
I love you, Boston, and I miss you so very much.
