A couple months ago your grandma and I were talking about your passing after receiving some important news. She did her best to remind me the news was good as it makes it possible to close some very painful doors. I'll never forget the way it sounded when she said "he's not coming back, Sara."
It's one of those things that has remained undeniable the whole time but we kind of let the truth of it float off near by instead of really applying it to everyday life. As soon as she said it we both sobbed. It's not easy to shut doors, even when what's behind them is painful.
I have sat with your death for 967 days now, and each one of them- no matter how much healing I accomplished- I have remained steadfast in my refusal to use the word acceptance when it comes to you. It just seems so wrong because there are so many layers that go into what it would mean to accept what is; and I don't have the time or the right words to explain that, or to really even make sense of it in my own head. But, my little fatboy, 967 days later, and despite all my efforts to heal in every way except for finding acceptance- I realize why I have to.
I have spent the last couple years- especially the last year- pretty much re-wiring my brain with healthy thought processes. It has been tedious and time consuming, but in all actuality I feel like I have always been this person and known these things, but bit by bit as I've emerged into this "mindful" lifestyle, the same thing keeps happening and revealing a very unhealed part of me. At work, at home, as a mother, and in general as someone who plans to live a life full of wonderful people and things- I can no longer deny myself the life I've always been meant to live by refusing to accept who I was before what happened, who I became in the aftermath, and who I am now.
I have so much genuine hope, and so much love to put out into this world, but I can't expect anything or anyone to accept or honor them if I can't first be true to myself and do the same - no matter how low, victimized, or grief filled of a place these parts of me bloomed from- what matters is that they did and I owe it to you, the universe, your grandma, but more than anyone to myself- to allow that to be beautiful and forget the rest. In general I am putting my all into practicing non-attachment, because I truly do believe that what I am meant for and what is meant for me will be for me effortlessly.
It's hurts to say it because I swore I never would- but it's time for me to start closing that door. A lot of people put their faith in churches and Religion and pray to God for answers- but I have faith in you. You are who I talk to when I'm seeking comfort and strength and guidance because you are the only reason I know what it means to love unconditionally and the only thing I am sure of. I will never stop looking for you in everything that I do, Bosty. Because I love you, I miss you, and because I know you're there.
All my love,
Mom
