Waiting

Bosty,

I have been having a really hard time lately. Even seeing your pictures on the wall makes me feel like someone punched me in the stomach. It takes the breath right out of me. Almost like I can't even see straight and have to sit down to gather myself just enough to make it to my room where I can let myself cry where Q won't see. 

There was once a time that I thought I would never have another child because I didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as I love your brother. I cannot lie and say fear didn't invade my thoughts when I first found out I was expecting you, but after the initial shock, a feeling of calmness set in. I needed you, and everything about you ended up being so right for us. I will cherish the short lived peace I felt having you both in my arms for the rest of my life.

I can't seem to find a way to feel right about anything. There is a constant war inside of me and it's one that seems hopeless, because having you made me realize how wrong I use to be thinking I couldn't share the genuine love I have for him with another child. Love is a hard thing to describe and I've been sitting here for awhile trying to figure out how to put this into words, they don't do justice to what I feel in my heart but...

I love your brother for making my world go round. He always has. He is truly my saving grace, and I wouldn't be here with out him. He is the kick in my step, the only reason Ive been able to take another breath, the face I see when I can see nothing else. He melts the coldness in me, the parts that don't want to feel. He thaws them out each time he tells me what he learned at school, each time he says "Mom, will you come sit with me", each time he kisses me on the cheek and tells me to have sweet dreams, my heart feels a little less frozen. He saves my life every day. 

And you, my chubbles, you made the sun rise. You were that refreshing reminder that every time the sun set, no matter how long the day, no matter the things not yet accomplished, that the sun would surely find it's way back into the sky and give another chance to do things right. 

But now I am sitting here, like I have been for 10 and a half months. My world is still spinning because of your truly wonderful big brother, but the sun hasn't risen for me in a long time. 

I'm just stuck, staring out this stupid window wondering if a day will ever come that actually feels like a new day... 

I miss you so much, Boston. 

1 year old

I wrote this a few days ago on January 9th, my sons 1st birthday. 

My darling little Bosty,

How did I get here? Back to January 9th? How have 365 days, 8760 hours, and 525600 minutes gone by since I first laid eyes on you? A year that started off with my heart so full of love turned out to be the darkest, loneliest time I've ever known, and that feeling is so far from over. 

I can feel my heart in my chest because it is unbelievably heavy and I miss you so much that it hurts to be awake, to just sit, to do anything at all. I want to stop time. I need the world to let me catch up a little bit. Not that I'll ever be ready, but the fact that 1 year ago I gave birth to you means that in just 68 days it will be a whole year since you left me. A whole year since I held you, a whole year since the day I was broken to unrepairable extents. People think I should be getting to a better place but it hurts just as bad, I'm just getting use to having a broken heart. 

I don't know how to explain it correctly, but there's just this thing that stays with me. Even on the days when I can function better than I use to be able to, this awful "thing" stays with me right there under the surface. It controls everything I do. On the days it makes it's existence impossible to ignore I don't leave my house, I don't get out of bed, I don't talk to anyone. I lay there crying. Other days I think I have it under control until out of no where it decides to cripple me. I've left carts filled with groceries in the middle of an isle and ran, Ive pulled into random parking lots in the middle of driving somewhere and sat there for hours, I've had tears suddenly flood my eyes waiting in line at the gas station, all because of this terrible, truly horrific "thing." I'm living with a monster inside of me and there's really just no way to get it out.

It never fails to shock me how cruel life can be. I don't want this. I don't want to be this person, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want how alone living with out you makes me to eat away at everything I use to be, but it does. I'm really nothing but a walking broken heart and I've found that while trying to pick up those pieces, more fall. 

I try to tell myself I need to let myself smile and enjoy things, but the only thing that could make me smile is you. I'll never understand why it had to be you, why it had to be our family, why this had to happen at all, but I'll always understand how genuinely I adore you, how completely I love you, and how much you changed my life.

 I would give anything to sit in the recliner upstairs at your grandmas with your head laying on my chest while Quin repeatedly requests that I tell you how much he loves you. It was the happiest I've ever been.

Someday, fatboy, someday....