1 year old

I wrote this a few days ago on January 9th, my sons 1st birthday. 

My darling little Bosty,

How did I get here? Back to January 9th? How have 365 days, 8760 hours, and 525600 minutes gone by since I first laid eyes on you? A year that started off with my heart so full of love turned out to be the darkest, loneliest time I've ever known, and that feeling is so far from over. 

I can feel my heart in my chest because it is unbelievably heavy and I miss you so much that it hurts to be awake, to just sit, to do anything at all. I want to stop time. I need the world to let me catch up a little bit. Not that I'll ever be ready, but the fact that 1 year ago I gave birth to you means that in just 68 days it will be a whole year since you left me. A whole year since I held you, a whole year since the day I was broken to unrepairable extents. People think I should be getting to a better place but it hurts just as bad, I'm just getting use to having a broken heart. 

I don't know how to explain it correctly, but there's just this thing that stays with me. Even on the days when I can function better than I use to be able to, this awful "thing" stays with me right there under the surface. It controls everything I do. On the days it makes it's existence impossible to ignore I don't leave my house, I don't get out of bed, I don't talk to anyone. I lay there crying. Other days I think I have it under control until out of no where it decides to cripple me. I've left carts filled with groceries in the middle of an isle and ran, Ive pulled into random parking lots in the middle of driving somewhere and sat there for hours, I've had tears suddenly flood my eyes waiting in line at the gas station, all because of this terrible, truly horrific "thing." I'm living with a monster inside of me and there's really just no way to get it out.

It never fails to shock me how cruel life can be. I don't want this. I don't want to be this person, I don't want to feel this way, I don't want how alone living with out you makes me to eat away at everything I use to be, but it does. I'm really nothing but a walking broken heart and I've found that while trying to pick up those pieces, more fall. 

I try to tell myself I need to let myself smile and enjoy things, but the only thing that could make me smile is you. I'll never understand why it had to be you, why it had to be our family, why this had to happen at all, but I'll always understand how genuinely I adore you, how completely I love you, and how much you changed my life.

 I would give anything to sit in the recliner upstairs at your grandmas with your head laying on my chest while Quin repeatedly requests that I tell you how much he loves you. It was the happiest I've ever been.

Someday, fatboy, someday....