My darling Boston,
You are officially a big brother! Your baby brother Paxton arrived on December 23rd at 11:51 PM, but I have a feeling you already know this. It was a very special day for me. He arrived just in time for Christmas! I don't even know the right way to word it, there's not really a right way, but I was very worried that I would see him and want him to be you. Thankfully that hasn't turned out to be true. He is his own tiny perfect person that I love just as much as you, but in his own special way. He brought with him memories of you that I haven't thought of in quite some time. I have spent almost 2 years thinking about you being gone, I think I had forgotten to think about the fact that there was a time when I had you here with me too. I am thankful of the reminder that I have memories of you that are not painful, but it has me missing you in a very overwhelming way.
Thinking of the happy times also reminds me of just how much I lost when I lost you, and there's not really words to describe how much your death still hurts.
A year ago I was at the point where I had almost let it destroy me. When you died absolutely everything I thought I knew and understood was destroyed too. It is particularly brutal to lose yourself entirely in one moment. I really no longer knew myself. All of the sudden I was this traumatized shell of a human being and everything was scary and so so hard.
My news years resolution is to be more fun for your brothers. To some this might sound silly, but your death has left me permanently scared. My brain is stuck in a terrible cycle of constantly imagining the worst, it has turned me into a irritable, no fun mom that says "be careful" about 500 times a day. What most people don't understand is that having the worst happen isn't just a figment of my imagination, the worst really did happened to us and there is no being care free once you've learned what it feels like to say goodbye to your child.
In 4 days it will be your 2nd birthday which leaves me sitting here so angry that I was forced to plan your funeral before I ever got the chance to plan you a birthday party, but the more time that goes by the more I realize that in your passing, you gave me many gifts. You inspire me, and inspiration in any form is a gift.
Because of you I know how precious life really is. Because of you I know that I am capable of keeping on even when I was positive there was just no way I was going to make it through. Because of you I'm proud of myself for the first time in my life. Because of you I have learned what it means to be appreciative and patient. Because of you I am better.
I'd give all that up in a second if it meant I could have you back, but me and you both know the patience your death has taught me is the only thing that will get me to you in time. So until then, in a thousands ways every single day, I'll be missing you.
I love you, Boston.
All my love,
Mommy
