A letter to my children
I contemplate the meaning of life often. It's hard not to after being dealt the hands I have. I know I'll never truly understand most of it, but there is one thing that always stands out to me. I can't speak for anyone else, but I would be nothing with out my children. So..
Quinny the pooh,
If you ever read this I'm sure it will not be until you are much older, but thank you for being my son. I know I brought you into this world but you are the one that has made each day since so worth it. I'll always wonder what I did to deserve you. You are a gem in a world full of sharp rocks and when my time comes I will find peace in knowing I did the world at least one favor by bringing you into it. You have been through more at 4 years old than some will ever have to go through in their entire lives and yet you are truly the sweetest most genuine boy there is. I worry about you because you're heart is pure but the world is not and it makes me fearful for the pain you might feel because of that. I pray you stay good little boy, even when it hurts.
When your brother died everything I thought I knew about life disappeared. I spent a large majority of the last year being a poor excuse of a friend, daughter, sister, and mother. I hate so much that your brother was taken from me, but what I hate just as much is that such a large part of myself was taken from the people that love me. There were days I was ashamed to be around you because I knew in my heart I was being unfair, but I just couldn't figure out how to do anything but miss Boston. I am not proud of the last year, but I am proud that I am finally allowing myself to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you. You'll never know just how much I adore you. You save my life every day.
I love you, Quinton Andrew.
When your brother died everything I thought I knew about life disappeared. I spent a large majority of the last year being a poor excuse of a friend, daughter, sister, and mother. I hate so much that your brother was taken from me, but what I hate just as much is that such a large part of myself was taken from the people that love me. There were days I was ashamed to be around you because I knew in my heart I was being unfair, but I just couldn't figure out how to do anything but miss Boston. I am not proud of the last year, but I am proud that I am finally allowing myself to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you. You'll never know just how much I adore you. You save my life every day.
I love you, Quinton Andrew.
Bosty,
Where do I begin? There are so many things I want to ask you. Like how are you? Are your cheeks still fat? Did you sleep okay? Where do you sleep? Who's all up there with you? Are you excited to be a big brother? Do you know how scared I am?
Scared because on Monday I find out if you're having a brother or sister, and that means that this is real. There is really another baby that will be joining our family, and it's not you. Sometimes it is still so hard to let go of the picture I had in my head before you left. A picture of a very happy me with my two amazing sons. I thought I was set with just you and your brother and never imagined another baby to be in that picture, let alone that you would no longer be in it at all.
I'm excited and so thankful for this new baby, but so terrified at the same time because I know how unbearable it would be to lose it. Life is so fragile, and certainly not guaranteed, but a huge part of me believes you will always be close by protecting us.
I made a decision a couple months ago that I am going to have your urn buried. I am hoping that we can have you buried with your Great Grandma Jean. I know that she is with you in heaven so it seems fitting to have you with her here too, that way I know that you are safe. It will be painful to bury you as I have thoroughly kept you with me everywhere I go, but I want you to be out of harms way. I want people to be able to walk past you and see your name and know that my darling little fatboy did exist, and most of all I want your new baby brother or sister to be able to have a place to go to visit you. They will most certainly know that they have a wonderful brother here on earth, and one that we love just as much in heaven.
I love you, Boston, and I miss you so very much.
And to my new baby,
I'm excited and so thankful for this new baby, but so terrified at the same time because I know how unbearable it would be to lose it. Life is so fragile, and certainly not guaranteed, but a huge part of me believes you will always be close by protecting us.
I made a decision a couple months ago that I am going to have your urn buried. I am hoping that we can have you buried with your Great Grandma Jean. I know that she is with you in heaven so it seems fitting to have you with her here too, that way I know that you are safe. It will be painful to bury you as I have thoroughly kept you with me everywhere I go, but I want you to be out of harms way. I want people to be able to walk past you and see your name and know that my darling little fatboy did exist, and most of all I want your new baby brother or sister to be able to have a place to go to visit you. They will most certainly know that they have a wonderful brother here on earth, and one that we love just as much in heaven.
I love you, Boston, and I miss you so very much.
And to my new baby,
I have so many thoughts about you that I don't know how to put into words. You came to be in a time of crisis, and you will be arriving in this world so very wanted and needed. Sometimes I think you've already met your big brother in heaven. I think he's sending me you because for reasons that make me ache, he did not get to stay with us. We have the very best angel watching over us and when the time is right I will tell you all about him. I will not love you the same as him, but I promise to love you as much as I love him. You have another big brother too. He's so happy to have you join us and you are so lucky to have him to grow with in this crazy world. I cannot wait to have you in my arms.
Blessings come with patience,
Until we meet again my baby
Blessings come with patience,
Until we meet again my baby
