6 months

Oh my sweet, sweet, Bosty.

The hole in my heart seems to keep getting bigger. Each day that goes by without you more of myself goes right with it. I'm not sure how I'm still standing, but I am. The only light I see at the end of this tunnel is you, but you're so very far away. Years upon years away. I've never once questioned how special you are, but it really is shocking to realize how much you changed my life. I try to tell myself that I lived without you before I had you, so I should be able to do that again, shouldn't I? No. If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that the answer to that question is no. 

You are irreplaceable and I would trade the 22 years and 5 months I lived before you for the 68 days I had with you in heartbeat. You made your brother and I so happy. He was so very proud to be your big brother and very protective of you. I feel like I've failed him. On March 17th we woke up and our lives were just fine. We were so happy and thankful to be spending our mornings with you, but on that same day he went to bed knowing something was so terribly wrong. At the hospital he kept asking to see you. Over and over again he asked "Mom, I see my baby brother?" I told him no. I can't remember how I explained it to him, but I just couldn't let him see you that day. When I picked him up from his dad's for the first time I could not hold back the tears. Crying scares him in general, especially when it's me, so I felt terrible but I couldn't help it. He asked about you the whole way home. Answering his questions that day is on the list of the hardest things I've ever had to do. That list seems to keep growing. 

I want you back my little fatboy, more than a million words could ever explain. I want you back because I miss you, because I love you, because you completed me, because you were all around wonderful. I want you back because I see your big brother looking at me hoping to see the mommy he use to know, but she's not there. I'm trying for him I truly am, but there is a darkness in me. In the way that I walk, the way that I talk, the way that I do anything. There are people in this world that others gaze at for a few moments longer when they pass by. Whether it is a stranger, a friend, whoever they might be, these people have a light that shines from them and it catches the eyes of others. I feel like I am one of those people, but for the exact opposite reason. There is no light that illuminates from me, just a sad, sad, darkness. For the people that know me but hardly see me, the people that have heard of our story, family, friends, the random cashiers that compliment my tattoo and ask me how old you are, the ones who's faces fill with horror at what they just asked the second the sentence I dread saying leaves my mouth..."He was 2 months old when he passed away." 

I feel these people's stares linger because I know they see that darkness in me and wonder about the pain I feel, but none of them know just how terrible it is to be stuck in. It's like I've been fumbling around looking for a flash light, a window, anything to let some light in, but I just can't seem to find one. 

Last night your brother and I were on the way to Mckennan park. It's a couple blocks away from the hospital and right as we were driving by we saw a hot air balloon. As soon as he noticed it, he told me you were in there and wanted to come see us. It made me smile and cry at the same time. 

You would have been 6 months old today. I am trying very hard to hold myself together, but it's so difficult to do. The one thing I want I can't have, you. 

Most parents don't have to go to hell and back to be able to give their child the love they so badly want to, but I do, and I will. I have faith you're up in heaven giving me the strength to get through this nightmare. 

I will get to you some day, Bosty, and it will be the happiest moment I'll ever know. 

Happy 6 months, angel baby. Id give the world to be spending it with you.

All my love,

Mommy 

"I'll continue to write about a love I always hoped for but never had the chance to share with you."