18 weeks

I feel like I havent wrote my son a very positive letter in awhile. I typically write him about my intense love for him, how much I miss him, and how utterly difficult and heart breaking each day is without him. While all of those things are still painfully accurate, I think it's time to write my little fat love something that involves some hope, so here goes. 

Bosty,

You were such a sweet boy. So is your big brother. I can't even begin to describe how proud I am to be called your mother. I will not ever get over losing you, ever, and there will never be a day that my heart doesn't ache for you. In all of this darkness I've been trying to find some light. While it will never compare to how truly amazing it would be to have you here, I think I may have found one. Kind of like the star that your big brother always points out and says "Mom, that one is Bosty's." Even though there is still a huge dark sky surrounding it, that little gleam of light makes it a little less scary.

I think that light may come from just how proud of you I am. It is not easy to be the mother of an angel, but I don't think anyone else out there could do you the justice that I will seek in your name for the rest of my life. I think that is why I was meant to be your mom. Because I will fight for you, I will honor you, I will go to the ends of earth and back, and I will explore the depths of hell that living with out you is so that when my time comes I can open my eyes on the other side and finally see your face in front of mine. It's extremely hard not to let this sadness swallow me whole but I am coming to find that if I ever want to feel hope again that I need to give myself some credit. I think you needed me as much as I needed you, and for that I am thankful. I don't think that children get to chose their parents. I don't think that everything happens for a reason, but I do think there are some things that are just meant to be, and one of those things is me being your mom. You being gone will never make me less of a mother and I will hold onto that fact tightly for the rest of my days. While I will always dream of what could have and should have been, what you would be like, and how absolutely beautiful you would be if you were still here, I will not let how painful losing you is make the 68 days I had with you any less of a miracle. 

I love you, Boston. Today, tomorrow, 5 years from now, a million years from now, it doesn't matter. I will always love you and will never be anything less than proud. 

"And if you were with me tonight

I'd sing to you just one more time

A song for a heart so big 

God wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in.."