Some things just don't change

Bosty,

I really miss you. Not that there is ever a time that I don't, but lately I can't seem to get how badly I want to hold you again out of my head. I go to the cemetery every day and each time I leave feeling a little helpless, like there really should be somewhere or someone I could go to and demand I see you, and that you should be handed to me and then the pain of the last year and a half would just disappear. 

When I actually allow myself to think of how wonderful it would be to do that, it eats away at me and threatens to wipe away the "healing" I have done, because when I think about how wonderful it would be I am slapped in the face with the reality of how awful not having you is. 

It's something I don't think of constantly like I use to. Maybe because of how much time has gone by, maybe because I finally realized living with the hope of something that won't ever happen makes me completely miserable. There are so many unanswered questions that will be taken to my grave with me. 

I am still glad to say there have been many happy things going on lately. Yesterday was your big brothers birthday. He turned 5! Tomorrow I get to have an ultrasound and see what I'm assuming will be chubby cheeks that look a lot like yours and Qs. Not to mention our little baby P will be arriving in a few months and I have all of the happy, excited, and anxious feelings I had with you and your big brother, but some sad and slightly guilty ones too.  

I love your baby brother and the hope he gives me for brighter days, but that light will never be able to completely fill the darkness that your death brought into my life because even though I will have another beautiful face to wake up to again, it does not change that yours still will not be there. In all the happiness and joy I find in the the things I have to look forward to with your brothers, the underlining and profound ache I have to see you do the same never goes away. 

You're truly irreplaceable and I will spend the rest of my life fighting a never ending battle of trying to balance joy with pain.

I love you, my little fat boy. Come see me in my dreams.