Nightmares

Bosty, 

I am exhausted. I've found it's almost impossible to sleep since having your ashes buried, and when I do I have awful dreams. Mostly about going to the cemetery only to find that your grave is no longer there. The worst one was a couple nights ago and in it I had gone to the cemetery and was brought into a weird room filled with news reporters by some man and told that I had buried you alive. 
I'm not sure if it's the dreams or the fact that I am not use to not having you with me but my anxiety has taken a turn for the worst again. I did not realize how much comfort having you with me brought until now. It's so hard to know what is right when you lose a child, because in reality nothing is right about it. Parents are not suppose to lose their children. It goes against the natural order of life and it makes everything so damn hard.
 I'm sure with time I will "get use to" where you are now, but as ridiculous as it may sound you being gone did not feel as permanent when being with you didn't require a trip to your grave. 
I really do try to stay positive but sometimes, especially lately,  I just want to throw myself on the ground like an angry toddler and kick and scream and cry. I am fed up with carrying the weight of your death with me. I am fed up with being scared and nervous and constantly worried. I am fed up with having to live with out you. Most of all I am fed up with the awful reality that it's never going to change. 

They say grief comes in waves, and right now they seem to be crushing me. I pray you know how much I ache to have you with me. 
I love you, fatboy, more than you will ever know...