Dreams

Bosty, 

I keep finding myself with the urge to put your things back together, to go get your car seat, to start all over. Can't we just start all over? Oh, what I would do to go back to that day and never leave your side. It has been troubling me in ways I can't explain, to extents I can't explain, that I truly believe you would be here had I not gone back to work. I also keep finding myself dreaming of just how different life would be. I love to think of it actually. I can't help but smile when I think of how unbelievably adorable you would be, but I also can't help but cry at the terrible reality that dreaming of you will never be anything more than that, just an impossible dream. "Anything is possible" no longer applies to me, because I really do not ever get to have you. 

A few weeks ago I actually had a dream about you. I had gotten a call from a random lady saying my son was in an accident and that I needed to come get him. I frantically drove to this place which was actually your grandmas old house thinking that I would be picking up your brother because you were already gone, but when I got there it was you. Alive and well in some lady's arms waiting for me to take you home. It was wonderful to finally dream of you alive, but the pain of waking up to you still being gone is heart shattering. I have now been without you for just over 6 months. I miss you with everything in me. 

Even though I cannot see you, I pray you are right here and I pray you don't feel the sadness that I do in being worlds apart, but that you love me enough to be by my side where I need you. I really do need you, Boston.


All my love,
Mommy