8 months old

Boston Daniel, 

It has been 8 whole months since you took your first breath. 8 months! It's very hard for me to think about that because I know that you would be so much different now if you were still here. Babies change so much in that amount of time. You would be sitting up, laughing, crawling, maybe even walking. Your big brother was around this age when he started saying "momomama." I wish to extents I can't explain that I could hear you say the same thing. I see people who had their babies around the same time as I had you, and even months after, and now those babies have passed you in age while you stay forever frozen in time as 2 months old...

You cross my mind in a million ways every single day. More than anything I am grateful for the moments I feel you. 

When I see the sun shine a certain way,  when your brother hugs me a little tighter than usual, when baby ryker smiles at me like he's doing it for you, for just a moment it doesn't feel like my heart is breaking. Thank you for those moments my fat little love, they are how I make it through. 

I had a thought the other day when trying to find the right words to say to Zoey's mom since September 7th marked 4 months since she joined you. I'm not sure how it hasn't truly crossed my mind yet but I realized that even though each day gets harder in the sense that all I want is to have you here, each day also brings me closer to the one where I finally get to be with you again.

Saying that I'm just waiting to die is a scary way to put it especially since I'm only 23, but in ways it's true. I hate that death is the only way that I can get to you. I will never leave your brother before "my time", but when it comes I will welcome it with open arms because behind the tragedy that death is, you will be waiting and I will finally be able to breathe again. 

I will never stop fighting to let the world know how much I adore you. I'd go to war for you, Bosty, and I hope you're smiling in Heaven because here on earth I'm doing everything I can think of to make that happen. I pray the day I get there that you're even half as proud of me as I am of you. I love you, forever. Truly forever. 

"For the rest of my life, I will search for moments full of you."