5 months

Bosty, 

My little fat darling with the chubby cheeks, 

I miss you so much it hurts. 

You really do not ever leave my mind. When I wake up, when I brush my teeth, when I make your brother breakfast, when I drive somewhere, anywhere and anytime, you are right in the front of my thoughts. 

I still beg God, the universe, the stars, literally anyone I can think of to give me one more moment with you. It's hard, chubbles, it really is. 

I never once could have imagined that I would be that mom.. The one who's baby dies. Knowing this nightmare doesn't just go away scares me so much. I still think you're coming back. Even if it takes another year or a few years, I imagine you coming back to me. That's where you're supposed to be.. Right here. 

I should not have to dream of your face, your eyes, your hands, your hair, your voice, because you're supposed to be next to me. You always were before. You stayed in my arms and I'm so happy I held you as close as I did because each second of it is now the only memories I will ever have of you. Your grandma told me a month or so after you died that she would watch me staring at you like I was studying you. I really did memorize your face and I loved doing so, before I even knew it would be the most precious thing I ever held in my heart. I will never forget you, Boston, not ever. It is the most awful pain to wake each day and see your urn instead of your face but please don't ever think I love you any less.

In an urn, in front of me, in my arms, or in heaven, you will forever be the only boy that made my heart skip a beat and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you little boy, so much more than anyone could ever understand. You're the best angel, and I'm so proud you're mine. Heaven got lucky. 

Forever love, and I mean it... You are forever.