Wishing

Oh my sweet, sweet, Bosty

I am having such a hard time. I just can't believe it has been exactly 5 months since I was sitting in our upstairs recliner begging you to please grace us with your presence, and that moments later you decided to listen. Your grandma and I had just gotten home from eating at Bagel Boy with Aunt Stacy. I walked upstairs after arriving home and sat down to watch our favorite show "Last Man Standing" but of course had to pee the second I did. I got up and not even two steps later my water broke. The day I had been endlessly wishing for was finally here, you were coming! Grandma was grabbing something out of the car and when she came back in I yelled down from the top of the stairs "Mom, my water broke!" 

She called your Aunt Stacy right away and told her tonight is the night and we needed to get to the hospital. I called my doctor to let her know, packed a few more things in our bag, and off we went. The drive there felt like it took an eternity, only because at that point those contractions were certainly making themselves known. By the time we got there and to the correct floor I was not pleased to find I had to stand at the front desk mid contractions filling out paper work. It really did hurt. I had told myself I was going to do it naturally as I had with your big brother, but decided to get an epidural a couple hours later because I remember all too well the intense pain that was coming. Once I was given the epidural I actually fell asleep. I was awoken by my doctor to be checked, and to my surprise she said it was time to push. Not even 10 minutes later you were placed on my chest. I had already loved you, but I can't describe just how wonderful my heart felt finally having you there in my arms. You were too beautiful for words. 

Never did I think 5 months later I would be sitting here helplessly wishing for the same thing. I never knew just how much you can miss someone. I am trying so hard to do right by you, Bosty.

I will fight until death of me to make sure it happens, but I can't lie and say that I don't need you. 

When I lost you I did not just lose your chubby 2 month old self. I lost ever hearing you laugh, seeing you crawl, walk, talk, your birthdays, each holiday, the man you would have become, the husband, and the grand babies you may have some day blessed me with. I will struggle for the rest of my life without you because you truly were such a blessing. I love you more than a million words could ever explain. 

Happy 5 months, chubbles! I wish so badly you were here. 

"Some people believe in angels. I held one."

I hope you got your balloons. Of course your big brother said his made it to you first and "won" again.