The day after

I get so anxious when any type of "anniversary" revolving around my sons death comes. I worry and worry and then it arrives and I worry some more. For example yesterday, June 17th, exactly 3 months since he died. It was hard. I'm filled with sadness and typically ache even more the day after the "anniversary" 

I think it is because I worry so much and reluctantly count down the minutes, hours, and days until it arrives, and then the day after comes and reality once again reminds me the world really is still spinning without him. No amount of wishing, praying, begging, crying, or sadness will return Boston to me. I'm stuck in this mess and whether I someday get to a better place or not, there will really never be an end or a way out. 

I send him balloons quite often. I always pray they get to him. Watching them disappear out of sight into the sky brings a certain sort of sadness because just like wondering where those balloons really go, I wonder where he is. What cloud is my chubbles on and why can't anyone point it directly out to me so when I'm looking for him I know? 

I miss him and I will never get over all of the "if only's" that fill each of my days. I wish doing everything I can to remember and honor him would just bring him back. I want to kick and cry and scream because I know that it won't.

We sent Boston around 90 balloons yesterday. My friend Angela sent her daughter, Zoey, around 40 at the same time. The same unidentifiable monster that took my Bosty claimed Zoey on May 7th. I hate that she knows my pain but am thankful to have someone to spend time with where words aren't necessary, we just understand how much pain is involved in each breath that we take. 

To Boston, to Zoey, to every angel baby out there. You are loved. 

"If I could wish one thing, I'd hear you call my name."