Don't forget to remember me

A letter to my son. 

Dear Chubbles,

So, no one has waken me up from this awful nightmare. Each morning I wake up with out you and it tears me apart that you really are not right next to me like you should be. I miss the way holding you felt. Sure I could have another baby, but I don't want any other baby, I want YOU. I am permanently broken, but my need to make you proud has kept me from letting myself completely fall apart. Your memories hold me together, but they are not enough to lighten how unbelievably difficult it is to live without you. I put your play mat away today. It was hard. Each time I put anything of yours away, or move your stuff, I go through the same thought process as I did when I was in labor with you and having contractions. "This hurts like hell. Breathe. Hold on tight. It's okay to cry." But unlike when I was in labor, this pain does not have a happy ending. The only thing coming into my life this time is the finality of your death. I am just so angry. I'm angry that you don't get to turn into the amazing person I know you would have been. I'm angry that I no longer get to witness first hand how wonderful of a big brother you had. I am angry that my days are no longer filled with him constantly saying "Mom! You tell my baby brother I love him." And "Ok, now tell my baby brother he loves me." I am angry that he has to wonder where you are and that his questions feel like a big knife plunging through my heart because there is no answer I can give him except that you are an angel now, and that means you have a new home in the sky. I am angry about how this has affected your grandma, "papa", and the rest of our family. Most of all, I am angry that I have been completely robbed of my future. You are one of my two children but I do not get to watch you grow up. I am so lost as to how I am suppose to go back to only taking care of your brother. I can only sit here and imagine what you would be like and how our lives would be if you were still here. Much brighter and happier, that I do know. The day you died a constant storm was cast over my life. Terrifying black sky's threaten each moment of my day. People tell me that time will make it better, but that is like a weatherman telling people that the most awful of storms has hit, it will destroy all good things in it's path, it will not leave for years to come and once it does there will be everlasting damage, and the best they can hope for is that the sky might at least lighten to a dark dreary gray. I miss you so much, Boston. The sun will not shine for me until I see your beautiful face in front of me again.
 This Saturday you would have been a big 4 month old! I wonder how much chubbier you would be if you were still here. I wish so badly I could have at least heard you laugh before you left, or known if your eyes were going to turn brown like your dad's or stay blue like mine. I hope you know how much I love you, and that even though you aren't here you will always be an every day part of my life.

I constantly search for signs that you are with me. I know people say that usually when you stop searching, you find what you were looking for, but I will not give up. Not until I take my last breath and I pray that when I do you will be right there with me and as excited as I am to have you in my arms again. I couldn't keep you alive but the memories of you always will be. The fact that your life was brief will never change how significant it was. I believe you gave me your all, and I am so thankful and proud of you. The dreams I had for you did not come true, but that doesn't mean they've vanished, they've just changed. I use to dream of all the ways you would make me proud throughout your life, now I dream of all the ways I can make you proud. I pray you're watching, fatboy! Every breath I take is for you and your big brother. I will wait the rest of my life for my second chance with you, and when it arrives I promise you I will come running.

Death knows no boundaries, but neither does my love for you. I don't care how long it takes, Bosty, please meet me at the gates.

All my love, 

Mommy

"I have cried over the body of the person I love most."