9 weeks

Today has been one of the hardest days yet. I'm not sure why. I will never be the same, and I don't think that very many people understand that. It is very hard to go through something that is incomprehensible, even to me. There is no manual to tell you how to handle losing a child. I do not understand, I won't ever, I will not find peace, and I will never accept Boston's death. There is a quote that says "When a child is born, so is the mother." That is very true. Yes, I had already given birth to one child, but when Boston was born, a new me was also. Twice the work, twice the time, twice the love. So, when Boston died, I did too. The mother I had just became went with him and while I am ever so grateful for his big brother, half of me is literally missing. The parts of me that existed before Boston are still there, but when he was born the already present parts were moved to one side to make room in the other half of me just for my little fatboy. That half of me was meant to be filled with a lifetime of memories, that half of me was ment to hold him, to love him, and was solely dedicated to him. When my son was pronounced dead and the time came to hand him to the detective and leave, I did not just place my son in his arms, but half of myself. It is kind of like I'm having to learn how to walk, talk, and breathe again without all of the things I need to do so, and I don't even want to because it sucks and it hurts and it is just so hard. I know how much better life was and how much happier I was and could be with him here. There are no words to accurately describe how difficult this is. Challenges and new beginnings are typically started to bring yourself to a better place, this challenge does not bring that for me. I am being forced by life to keep going and learning how to walk, talk, and breathe again is just a means of survival, but a very reluctant one. I love Boston's big brother so much, but they balanced me. The half of me that's left wants and needs to take care of Quinton, but without the other half it is now a scary process and nothing works right anymore. I have said it many times since he left and will many more, I am lost. Literally lost. In grocery stores, at work, at home. I can't seem to find where I'm supposed to go because what is left of me just wants to search for what use to be there, but it can't and won't ever be found. On May 24th of last year I found out I was pregnant with him. On May 24th of this year Boston will have been gone for as long as he was here. Time can be so cruel. The 68 days with him flew bye. The days without him have been long and grueling but yet I am still shocked each time another Tuesday rolls around or the calendar brings yet another month since he left me. This date is different though. I have never wanted to stop time so badly. I do not want the 24th to come. I only had 68 days with him but he is still so alive in my heart. That date to me is like a monster. One that at first represented new life. Now it just taunts me. It is a terrible reminder that I am not in control and the legacy of my sons 68 days on this earth are being replaced with 68 days without him and that brings yet another giant wave of terrifying emotions that I didn't even know we're possible, and that I would give anything not to know. I constantly wonder if I am doing enough to keep his memory alive but he is the only person I want to answer that question. I hope you're watching, Boston. I hope you hear each time I speak your name, hope my constant thoughts of you make you smile, I hope each time I play your song you rest easier, and most of all I hope you feel all the love I have for you. This love was meant just for you and no matter how much easier it would be to give if you were here, I won't ever stop and it will never weaken. That is a promise. I miss you so, so much. I constantly worry about you. I'm not sure if that sounds crazy since the worst has already happened, but it's not over for me and won't be for a very long, long time. I am your mommy and I pray whatever angels surround you know just how special you are, because I did and if they get to have you instead of me, they better be doing a damn good job. I'm not usually one to think that what happens is always what's meant to be, but I know that I was meant to be your mom and I will do so proudly for the rest of my life. I love you Chubbles, until the end of time. And even after that. 

My mom, she tells a lot of lies. She never did before. 

But from now until she dies,

She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my mom how she is,

And because she can't explain, 

She will tell a little lie 

Because she can't describe the pain. 

Ask my mom how she is, 

She'll say that she's alright. 

If that's the truth, then tell me, 

Why does she cry each night? 

Ask my mom how she is, 

She seems to cope so well. 

She doesn't have a choice, you see. 

Nor the strength to yell. 

Ask my mom how she is, 

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping." 

For God's sake mom, just tell the truth. 

Just say your heart is broken.

She will love me all her life. 

I sure loved her all of mine, 

But if you ask her how she is 

She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven, 

I cannot hug her from here. 

If she lies to you, don't listen. 

Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again, 

We'll smile and I'll be bold. 

I'll say, "You're lucky you got here mom, 

With all the lies you told"

-Author Unknown