I have found that I am vividly aware of two things, how empty and how full Boston's belongings are. Every time I am in my car, the spot where his car seat was placed haunts me, right along with his empty bottle sitting in my backseat never to be filled again. Every time I pull into my garage his empty stroller awaits me. Every time I go to bed his empty swing reminds me that I will never be able to place him there again. Beside his swing is a newly opened package of diapers that should've been long gone by now. His can of formula still sits within reach right beside them. Every time I walk through my living room the urn full of his ashes taunts me with "if onlys." If only I would have been the one to pick him up from daycare that day, would he some how have found it in himself to breath again? If I was the one in the ambulance with him, would he have known I was there and held on for me? If I would have gotten to the hospital even 2 minutes earlier, would've he survived? If I never stopped breast feeding? If I drank more water when I was pregnant? If I took more vitamins? Exercised more? If I wouldn't have gone back to work a week and a half earlier? I want to know if there is something I could have done that would've kept my son here, that would've saved me from having to say goodbye to the forever I thought I had with my baby.
I have not stopped wondering why doctors, or why people in general, don't talk about SIDS. I guess I never truly thought twice about it before this happened. Why would I? Why would anyone? My son was a perfectly happy and healthy 2 month old. There were no warning signs or red flags. The only thing he struggled with was constipation after I unfortunately wasn't getting enough to feed him and had to switch to formula, but that isn't out of the ordinary or any reason to think this would happen. On March 17th I dropped my baby off at daycare and had absolutely no idea that I would never get to pick him up again, or that it was the last time I would ever see him alive. It's not that I wish doctors would try to scare people. I can understand that when a baby seems to be perfectly healthy during pregnancy and after birth that there might not seem to be a reason to mention SIDS, but there is, because I was just like any other mother out there. I had a healthy baby and assumed that meant there was no reason to think anything bad would happen to him. My son layed down for a nap at 2:45 PM. My mother arrived at 3:00 PM to take him to get his first shots because I couldn't take time off work at my new job yet. 15 minutes, that's all. In 15 minutes my baby went from alive and well to lifeless for no apparent reason. He was not laying on his stomach, he did not have a blanket accidentally cover his face and suffocate him. He went to sleep and 15 minutes later he was dead. They didn't actually pronounce him dead until right before 4 PM at the hospital but I think everyone there, including myself, knew that he was already gone. In a way I feel bad because I know this post is kind of morbid, but at the same time I wish someone would've scared me into knowing it was possible. Everyone knows that people of old age at some point will leave this world, and sick people too, but no one talks about or thinks about the fact that children can die long before they should. I can't help but think that if someone would have warned me, that I could've saved my son.
I have not stopped wondering why doctors, or why people in general, don't talk about SIDS. I guess I never truly thought twice about it before this happened. Why would I? Why would anyone? My son was a perfectly happy and healthy 2 month old. There were no warning signs or red flags. The only thing he struggled with was constipation after I unfortunately wasn't getting enough to feed him and had to switch to formula, but that isn't out of the ordinary or any reason to think this would happen. On March 17th I dropped my baby off at daycare and had absolutely no idea that I would never get to pick him up again, or that it was the last time I would ever see him alive. It's not that I wish doctors would try to scare people. I can understand that when a baby seems to be perfectly healthy during pregnancy and after birth that there might not seem to be a reason to mention SIDS, but there is, because I was just like any other mother out there. I had a healthy baby and assumed that meant there was no reason to think anything bad would happen to him. My son layed down for a nap at 2:45 PM. My mother arrived at 3:00 PM to take him to get his first shots because I couldn't take time off work at my new job yet. 15 minutes, that's all. In 15 minutes my baby went from alive and well to lifeless for no apparent reason. He was not laying on his stomach, he did not have a blanket accidentally cover his face and suffocate him. He went to sleep and 15 minutes later he was dead. They didn't actually pronounce him dead until right before 4 PM at the hospital but I think everyone there, including myself, knew that he was already gone. In a way I feel bad because I know this post is kind of morbid, but at the same time I wish someone would've scared me into knowing it was possible. Everyone knows that people of old age at some point will leave this world, and sick people too, but no one talks about or thinks about the fact that children can die long before they should. I can't help but think that if someone would have warned me, that I could've saved my son.
"If only, my child, I could send,
A basket filled with love,
And pretty blue forget-me-nots
To your new home above.
If only I could send a hug
Past every twinkling star,
And a suitcase filled with kisses
Up to heaven where you are.
If only I could rock you
As I did not long ago,
And sing you one more lullaby
Before you had to go.
If only's fill my every thoughts
As my heart is aching for you.
With faith, I'll wait until the time
If only's all come true."
-Ron Tranmer
No comments:
Post a Comment