Left Behind

"Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"

I have been listening to this song often over the last few days because it is one of the few things that has spoken to my soul since my son passed away 11 days ago. I am so lost. How is someone supposed to figure out how to go on with life after losing the reason behind everything they do? I am so thankful to have my wonderful 3 year old, Quinton. He is the light at the end of the tunnel, but I am stuck at the very start and though I know there is a light far in the distance, I do not know how to bring myself to walk towards it, and in many ways I don't want to. I do not want to accept that this is now my life. I do not want to accept that I have to figure out how to live without Boston. I do not want to accept that Quinton no longer has his baby brother that he loved so dearly to watch over. I don't want any part of this. I want MY baby. I should be sitting at home with my two amazing children, tired from a long day at work and not enough sleep because my Bosty loved to eat numerous times throughout the night. One of the hardest things is realizing that life goes on. Before actually losing a child, I thought that if anything ever happened to either one of them that my life would be over, that I could not live without them and would somehow disappear from earth, but here I am living and breathing and it hurts. I miss him so much that every particle of my being literally physically hurts. Why me? Why my son? I would never wish this pain upon anyone but why is there so many evil people on this earth who still get to wake up everyday? Why is there people out there who don't take care of their children, abuse them and neglect them, but my son who was so loved and well taken care of not spared his life? WHY? It is truly devastating to know that I will never have the answer to this question. I pray that the people that know of my situation choose to hug their children tighter, love them even more than they already do, and never take a single day for granted. Being a parent is hard, but it's much harder to be one when your child is not physically with you to love and take care of.